You may find this beyond all forms of comprehension, but I've found a group of baseball fans more stupid than even your typical Yankees fans.

These aren't even the environmentally-controlled, catered-to, luxury box Angora cats who might actually know that baseballs aren't inflatable.

First, in case you haven't yet been infected by a typical Yankees fan, allow me to identify the symptoms for you. I need to establish some perspective.

It's a known principle of physics that the Yankees and their record of perennial success attracts the ne'er-do-wells, the dregs, the runts of the litter. These are people who wear the pinstripes like gang colors because the Taliban doesn't take everybody.

They're the ones who enjoy their annual 34 cents-an-hour raise, whose only family that talks to them is a nest of fleas the exterminator missed, and who punch out on the time clock so they can go home and enjoy their favorite participation sport, Giving The Finger To Other Drivers. Don't misunderstand me; this isn't every Yankees fan, just the ones you can smell upwind through a cinderblock wall.

There's a set of fans who are losers in an even more obvious way. There can be no other group, here or in another galaxy, who makes more effort to hold motionless the needle on the IQ meter. I can't even call them fans. Call them "sports attendees", or "innocent bystanders in the wrong place at the wrong time", because there's no telling what they enjoy out of the game, other than the score, if that.

These fans suffer from a fatal case of Premature Evacuation. . .

They pay hard-earned cash to buy tickets, battle their way into a parking space and then their seats, pay another bail of bucks for concessions, then leave early without any known form of rational excuse.

They say, "it's to beat the traffic". Spoken while seated amidst 30,000 people. I guess they ran into highways on the way in so devoid of life they couldn't find another vehicle with the Hubble Telescope.

I took my son to see the Red Sox for his tenth birthday, and was seated next to a gentleman whose brain synapses seemed functional enough at first. We saw the ML debut of A-Rod, John Valentin turn an unassisted triple play, and then synapses left to go home. The rest of us saw what might have been the single most exciting inning of baseball played anywhere in years, the ninth. Four-- count 'em-- four spectacular defensive plays by the home boys, capped by a home run stolen out of the bullpen, 4-3, Sox win, game over. He was well out of the parking garage and rolling a steady 20 mph on the so-called Expressway when everyone who actually had some kind of reason to see the game headed out. That last inning was worth an extra half-hour of traffic jam to any baseball fan who had at least one clue in their personal possession.

It can get worse.

A lady I know headed out in the eighth inning of one the Sox had a game-over 8-0 lead in. She was turning the key in the ignition just as Derek Lowe finished his no-hitter.

It's one thing to do this in Montreal, where you can buy a general admission ticket for what's called pocket change in any neighborhood, then improve your seats until you're bench coach. Or not bother showing up at all because it's too easy. It's another thing to see a game at Fenway, where the concession stands offer hot dogs, soda, chips, popcorn, beer, and second mortgages. That's not counting parking, which you can afford only because interest rates are at a ten-year low. That's not counting the tickets, which Sox fans are buying by the truckload, now that eBay allows you to auction off your next three future generations. That's not taking into account the fact that Boston's so-called "Big Dig" traffic flow solution insanely screws everybody in the Eastern Time Zone, to the point where residents of Miami are trying to figure out how and why a bulldozer with Massachusetts tags tore down a parking garage to make way for a parking lot, and why nobody can drive from one point in metro Boston to another they clearly see in the distance without having to go through Customs. Twice.

For what it costs to see even a weenie piece of one Red Sox game, I'd suggest showing up in a U-Haul with all your furniture and setting up home on the roof for a few years.

Left in the eighth inning of a no-hitter.

Hey, the Sox were gonna win.

They walk upright only because their heads are filled with helium.

I thought I'd take a departure from profiling player collections this issue to take a look at a transformation the sports card hobby is undergoing. If you'd like to be profiled next issue and get your wantlist published e-mail me at oddball@juno.com.

With the advent of the internet you knew it was only a matter of time before the card companies took advantage and sold straight to the consumer. Why deal with middlemen (i.e. transportation, packaging, resellers, grading companies, price guides, etc.) who cut into your margins? Topps has made a bold entrance into this arena with www.etopps.com and is quickly perfecting its program.

Sure, collectors can order IPO's of their favorite players and teams and have eTopps send them in guaranteed mint condition in protective cases. But the vast of majority of collectors prefer to leave them with Topps and hold them in their online card portfolios where they can monitor their value as of their last eBay sale from hour to hour. Traders can jump in and take advantage of changes in the value of players' cards to make a quick buck or buy-and-hold their favorites. Buy-and-hold investors look to the finite number of cards produced for each IPO and the new collectors that will be flowing into the eTopps program for years to come. What did that economics teacher say would happen when demand outstrips supply?

With eTopps, the card collecting hobby is morphing into a true electronic exchange. With the standardization and liquidity eTopps has created you really can invest in a player just like you do in a company's stock. If the player performs markedly better your investment will increase in value and you'll be able to easily trade your shares (er, cards) on the eBay Trading Floor. The transaction can be quickly consummated with a few clicks of the mouse using an online payment service like PayPal. With no need for checks or money orders this works very similar to stock market. eBay and PayPal will take their cut just as your brokerage takes their cut when you buy or sell stocks.

Many strategies have emerged among collectors and investors. Collectors usually go after certain players, teams or assemble complete sets (sets have been offered for over $2,000 - ouch!). On the other hand, investors take other tacts. They can invest in rookie year issues like 2001 Alfonso Soriano and Adam Dunn cards or cards of future major-leaguers like Wilson Betemit and Joe Crede. A case can even be made for technical analysis just like in the stock market - buy low and sell high by monitoring the day-to-day activity of a card's price. The scarcity factor is an attraction for others. While the eTopps program was just gaining traction in 2000 and 2001 many IPO's were produced in tiny quantities. There were only 186 cards of one football IPO, the 2001 Tony Banks, produced. That card now sells for well over $200 on the eBay Trading Floor despite the lack of success Banks has enjoyed! Don't you wish you had bought that card at its IPO for only $6.50? New IPOs are released weekly and someday one of today's IPO's may reach that value. This is where the collector's gauge of a player's talent (and supply/demand analysis) is tested.

With eTopps still in its infancy there are many improvements to be made to the system but after more than a year the significant glitches have been worked out. Topping (no pun intended) the list of deficiencies are the lack of statistics for cards held by Topps compared to those delivered to the hands of collectors. It has been estimated approximately 85% of the cards are held by Topps but exact numbers for each card are needed. In addition, the portfolio interface needs to be updated to display the collector's gain on cards from the purchase price, not the IPO price that the collector may or may not have bought at. Finally, only collectors in America and Canada can currently participate in the IPO's. eTopps is neglecting thousands of rabid Japanese baseball fans who could be buying up Ichiro's and Nomo's left and right!

What's next for eTopps? An eTopps Classics line of baseball cards will feature the likes of Hank Aaron and Willie Mays. It's likely only a matter of time before other card companies follow Topps' lead but don't under-estimate Topps' first-mover advantage. Barring a catastrophe, eTopps will always be the leader in this new generation of sports cards.

Will this spell the death of today's baseball card? Will fans kiss their packs goodbye in favor of managing their card portfolios online? It's too soon to tell. It's hard to picture two schoolchildren agreeing to trade a Sosa card for a Bonds card and then logging on at home to make the transfers. At the same time, this could prove to be a great educational tool, interesting today's youth in investing at an early age. Whatever comes of it, it will be fun to watch as it unfolds.

You've seen in it financial columns. I'll be the first to do it with eTopps! For full disclosure purposes, the author owns shares of 2001 Adam Dunn and 2002 Wilson Betemit at the time of this writing. :)

Question: Who is the best guard in the NBA? Yea, Iverson can score 50 a game but he's a ball-hog. Fisher can hit 3's but no blocks. Kobe's all dat but i personally think its all bout Jason Kidd. Please give me your opinion, thank you... (from Paul)

Answer: The best guard in the league right now is probably Kobe, followed by guys like McGrady, Kidd, and Carter. Kidd is definitely one of the best point guards in the league, though, along with guys like Payton, Bibby, and Andre Miller.

Question: What has happened to NBA officiating? I've seen cleaner games on the street! Looks like the league wants the Kings to win this year! (from Jeremy N.)

Answer: There have been some missed calls this year, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that the game is so hard to officiate. If there was a fix (which I doubt), the league would want to see the Lakers-Celtics in the Finals. Expect to see instant replay next year due to missed calls on several buzzer beaters (Baron Davis, Reggie Miller, Samaki Walker).

Question: How would you compare the talent between Vince Carter and T-Mac? Would Toronto be better off with T-mac or VC? (from D Lo)

Answer: Right now, T-Mac is probably the better player. McGrady has become a top 5 NBA player while Carter struggled with injuries this season. McGrady's long body and drive to get to the basket probably give him an edge over Carter at this point in their careers. It's hard to decide how T-Mac would do in Toronto, but that was an ill-fated relationship from the start. McGrady needed to get some serious minutes somewhere.

Question: Yao Ming to Houston... Yea or nay? (from Timbo)

Answer: Ming seems like the likely candidate to Houston since they already have an established backcourt in Cuttino Mobley and Steve Francis. We've heard rumors about moving Franchise to the 2 spot and drafting Jay Williams, but where does that leave Mobley? The Rockets could definitely use a big man like Ming, though. Personally, I wouldn't take someone with so many question marks at the #1 pick, but Houston appears to be leaning that way. Don't rule out any trades either, though.

Submit your questions in the Mailbag section of HoopsAvenue.com.

Athletes can be an odd bunch. Especially when it comes to signing autographs! Over the past couple years I've had a number of unusual experiences requesting autographs via mail. When you send out your cards, you have to realize you may never see your cards again. But when you're sending out ten to fifteen envelopes a day, going to the mailbox can be like opening presents on Christmas morning!

One thing that you always need to remember is the players that you send to don't necessarily need to return to you all of the cards you sent them. For example, two people that I wrote come to mind: former major league reliever Goose Gossage and former major league manager Jeff Torborg. I sent three cards to Gossage and a month later only one was returned signed. I don't hold it against him - it's his choice. However, with Torborg I sent two cards. Three months later one card shows up in my mailbox, personalized. Again, you can't hold it against him; it's his choice.

Then you have players who want to use their name for charity. Former Dodger pitcher Wally Moon requests that you send five dollars for a baseball card and four dollars for a signed 3x5 index card. The money goes to a scholarship fund he started. To be honest, even if I was more of a Dodger fan I don't think I would go for it. A less expensive autograph is former Oakland A's star catcher Terry Steinbach. You can get his auto for just a couple of bucks and a self-addressed stamped envelope. I'm considering that one. One that I wish I had more information on is Hall-of-Famer Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto. According to a brochure from his representatives the cheapest autograph of his you can get is a card for only $12.00. Former Red George Foster, on the other hand, requires a little more compensation for his time. Foster's autograph on a bat will set you back a mere $35.00. The most gracious signer in my mind has to be former major leaguer and manager Jim Fregosi. Each time I sent the maximum three items to him; he signed and returned them within a month or so. For those of you with a taste for political autographs former President Bill Clinton has a turnaround of about a month. I also sent to former President Gerald Ford. President Ford did not sign but did at least send an acknowledgement, in essence saying "thanks for remembering me".

One thing to remember when you send autograph requests via the mail is that you will have your stragglers. My biggest straggler so far is former major leaguer Bert Campaneris. I sent him two cards about nine months ago and didn't receive them until almost eight months later. Marc Schoder is a freelance writer and a computer consultant in Albuquerque, New Mexico. You can check out his website at smisurplusgoods.com or email him at Schodersports@yahoo.com.

This column showcases questions or wants which have been preying on collectors' minds. If you can help them out, please contact them through The Card Board message board at http://www.oddball-mall.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=1

If you have a query of your own, post your own message at that address and you may find your question published here next month!

This month the big news is the creation of message boards for buying/selling/trading cards and memorabilia of specific players. Individual message boards have been created for the likes of Ichiro Suzuki, Derek Jeter, Allen Iverson, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Cal Ripken Jr, Mark McGwire, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey Jr, Mike Piazza, John Elway, Dan Marino, Wayne Gretzky, Roger Clemens, Marshall Faulk, and Mario Lemieux!

To access these player message boards see the player index at http://www.oddball-mall.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=1.

The contents of the respective articles represent the opinions of the individual writers and not necessarily those of the editor/owner of The Oddball Mall Sports Cards.

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